A Newtonian Explosion in the Land of Snake Handlers

Newt Gingrich made a slam dunk in the South Carolina which is no real surprise to most political junkies. Anytime a fat white man can face a black man in a popularity contest, guess who the south will vote for? Granted all the GOP hopefuls still in the race are old rich white guys, but Newt is the cream of the crop when it comes to the stereotypical epitome of white supremacy so who else would they choose down there? This is the land of snake handling Pentecostals and Carolina Panthers fans-one of their GOP activist down there compared Michelle Obama to a gorilla so I would have to imagine that the Republican swing dance down there wanted the whitest of the white to face the Great Hope and Change in this fall’s election.

The numbers came out having Newt Gingrich 12.6 points ahead of the nearest contender, Mitt Romney. Next closest was Rick Santorum that trailed Newt by 23.4 percentage points, Ron Paul coming in last place with 13% of the vote (aside from the .4% that went for Rick Perry (apparently too drunk to remember that he dropped out of the race). I had a moment’s thought about writing a short piece on Santorum but held off knowing my efforts might be in vain as by now he is starting to feel the door hit him in the ass. I imagine him in an ethereal analogy standing before an umpire pleading his case to remain in the political game while the umpire throws his thumb in the air screaming “ooouuuut!”.

Now it’s on to an even deeper south vein of conservative pomp and glory, down into the land of the Magic Kingdom where I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunities for the remaining candidates to wrestle out a few good photo ops standing next to cast members of Disney’s famed vacation spot for clean Christian governed fun and entertainment. I would pay dearly to see a picture of Newt with his hand on Cinderella’s ass or maybe Mitt could stand next to Pluto and ask, who let the dogs out. They will surely camp the whole thing up and mix it in with their deep concern speeches that paint our country’s woes as foreseen doom brought about by the Obama administration. A little bit of panic to the people, a little bit of fun for the camera. The Gingrich election committee posse will certainly be keeping eyes on Romney’s tax return release, as promised by Mitt after the arm twisting in S.C. forced his hand on that issue sooner than he had wanted. Romney did say he would release his tax statement in April but most analysts felt this was intentional to wait until he (if he) secured the nomination.

So now what happens if Newt takes Florida? Is that affirmation that the Beast with a Thousand Heads continues on to face Barack Obama in a shout off? Could be folks, and this is what scares both sides of the political spectrum. The left is frightened at the possibility of a nation with Newt and the right is offended to be associated with a man that cheats on two wives (while they were deathly ill-bravo Newt!). Certain family members won’t even give support to Newt so where does that leave a desperate Republican population who want to oust our current President? In the back of their minds they know in order to get Gingrich elected they’ll have to rely on the same little hanging chad trick they pulled during the Bush/Gore election and that one was hard to pull off folks. My favorite part of that whole swindle was when it was declared that the boxes of uncounted votes they found stuck out in the swamps down there were deemed inadmissible for counting because they were retrieved too late.  The race is coming into the final stretch for sure so keep an eye for Santorum to bite the dust and Ron Paul to hang on like an irritating tick to the front running candidates. Watch’em run, sweat dripping down them as the can see the finish line just up ahead. Florida may well be the finish line.


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