My 2012 Predictions (Triste per noi tutti)

All the big time psychics get to head off the pages of tabloid fish wrap each year with a list of their predictions for the upcoming year. It is with this in mind that I choose to give my last blog entry of the year the celebratory induction into the halls of mockery by posting my own predictions for the soon to be infamous end of the universe year we have dubbed two thousand and twelve.

1. The world will not end in2012, in spite what some ancient Mayans carved on a piece of stone some time ago. Just as the turn of the century brought about mild ripples of hysteria, the entire 2012 year will more than likely bring out a abundance of social and political cashews who want to scare the world. If by chance, the world does end, feel free to text or call me during the remaining few hours before total destruction to say I was wrong. I’ll make sure to let that haunt me alongside the evident total devastation of everything else.

2. The United States will be involved in at least one new war. The Iraq war is officially declared over and our leaders now feel the pressure of soldiers arriving back home to a country where unemployment is still dangerously high. Iran continues to rear it’s serpent head to the west which will probably make that country the likeliest candidate for another senseless incursion. Maybe our Commander in Chief will try and pull a Reagan and invade some small, insignificant country (i.e. Faukland Islands) to play it safe. The propaganda from such an invasion will be used to continually drive the fear machine that has been created in this country where we have to ‘fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here’.

3. A new slang term for the word ‘vagina’ will be created in order to aid the writing of lyrics by washed up rap artists. The same will not hold true for creating a new word to describe male genitalia as there are just too many words that rhyme with ‘dick’.

4. Scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research will continue to bother the press with insignificant findings from their pursuit to capture Higgs boson, better known as the God particle. Why the hell they continue to venture on such a path is beyond most thinking creatures yet they will nonetheless follow this dream of theirs to drain the European economy of more money. Think of it as Europe’s peaceful alternative to having a war. The United States will not follow suit to further develop a super reactor as this will not employ enough people or cause enough destruction.

5. I will take yet one more high end acid trip. It’s been some years since ingesting the mind opening hallucinogen and feel I need to re-examine that altered realty once more for religious purposes. Also I want to see what it’s like to fuck with a long horned sheep on acid, maybe challenge it to a head butting contest.

6. Barack Obama will serve a 2nd term as President of the United States. Not enough people are willing to take their finger out of that hole in the dike to simply stick it in another hole. The list of Republican challengers, although humorous to watch, barely have the ability to self implode. If they actually had brains they’d be dangerous but I feel we’re safe in the knowledge that the powers behind the scenes of elections in our country don’t want to risk some rogue, free thinking individual in that seat of power. Actually Obama may take off in his second term and really start to shine. He seems to be keeping John Boehner on a leash so let’s see.

7. Another sheriff in some Midwestern town will be caught trading meth for sexual favors. This seems to be a growing trend amongst bored law enforcement officials and isn’t likely to stop soon. Meth is a motherfucker.

8. Justin Bieber will continue to slide in popularity as he ages into a young adult, thus making his heart throb appeal to young girls too creepy for managers to back. They will find a replacement boy toy to throw into the arms of waiting tweens leaving Bieber to comfort himself with alcohol and possibly the Olsen twins.

9. Flying car technology will once again be stifled.

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful new year.


1 Response to “My 2012 Predictions (Triste per noi tutti)”

  1. 1 Dino
    12/29/2011 at 10:30 pm

    man I hope you’re VERY wrong about #6. if not, then #1.

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