Sit Quietly and No One Will Harm You


I don’t know what’s wrong with these kids today”

-from the musical Bye Bye Birdie

 Driving on the road and flipping through AM stations to see what dribble was being spewed onto our airwaves I ran across the proverbial monotone preacher who reminded me that October 31st is right around the corner and we should prepare to fight off the evil celebration of Halloween. He told me that Halloween was a devil worshiping abomination and needed to be stopped; parents should make sure their children are safe from the Devil’s temptations…and of course he had tracts for sale-er, donations that covered this subject in more detail.

I really don’t recall the Devil tempting me as a child when I went door to door on the happiest evening of the year. I do believe every kid out there was in it for the candy. Okay, I’m sure if Satan would have appeared with a huge Snickers bar in his hand I would have taken it from him-maybe. No strings attached Satan? Gimme the Snickers. You sure this isn’t a demon Snickers, it won’t rob me of my soul later on? Can I get that in writing?

Every year we go through this riff about Halloween being a satanic celebration. Now Christmas is spoiled as well, schools don’t want kids participating in Valentine’s Day, natives are fighting Columbus Day (or Discovery Day or whatever the fuck we call it now) Please show me the data that proves any of these holidays have caused a major disruption in America by creating mind altering propaganda to sway the opinion of the masses. Show me where celebrating Halloween has created a race of Satanic children ready to rip the lungs out of their parents while flashing the goat horns.

It was always about the candy folks. The masks and costumes were an added bonus. You got to dress up like a mummy or a princess or a bloody skull man and for one night, you got to be a kid and live in the world of make believe-and get candy! Most of the Satanists I met and talked to seem like the type of person who have issues in their past other than going out and getting a sugar buzz. Let the children play. Let them drink out of the hose. Quit being so protective, they’re tough.

We adults made it through those years without long term damage from the horrors of Halloween.  At Christmas time I do not say ‘Happy Holidays’, I say ‘Merry Christmas’. If you’re Jewish good for you, Shalambo mother fucker, I’m not, I’m glad you are. If you tell me you celebrate Ramadan I will wish you a happy fucking Ramadan or Rosh Hashana or Boxing Day-a celebration is to be celebrated not berated. Let the world sing in celebration. With all it’s diversity in the face of one another we will begin to understand that the dichotomy of our society shows we are all different, yet all the same.

If you’re still concerned about the evils your kids might encounter in the great unknown out there and can’t pull back off the apron strings then by all means, keep them home schooled away from the outside world, put them in a little box and never let them out of your sight. Maybe introduce them to a few of those religious tracts that preacher was selling because I’m sure he has all the answers to protect them; he is a man of God after all. A good man of God, like Ted Haggard.


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